Hurting

So, last night I was really depressed, and I hurt myself. I swore I wouldn't do it again, but it's like an addiction, it never goes away, you just learn to control it. Obviously I can't. Did it again this morning too, I'm so fucking weak, it's pathetic. Just got to hide it from him now, cos he doesn't understand, he's never understood that part of me, suppose you have to do it to understand it.

hatred

I wish I could hate him, but I can't. If I hated him it would be so much easier, breaking off and starting again, finding something that I feel is good and right and fresh. But I love him, and loving him makes it so hard to hurt him, I'd rather cry myself to sleep for a million years than make him hate me by hurting him the way I know I'm going to have to. But not yet. Now is not a good time for either of us. Maybe when the troubles have passed us by and things are better again I will find the love I seem to have lost for the moment. Then perhaps I won't, but when things are better we will both be able to deal with this better.

Dark descisions

I had made up my mind to break things off with him. But when I think about it maybe it's not so great an idea. I don't love him the way I used to, I know that, but I still do love him. I don't want to cause him pain, but I think maybe that I am not going to be properly happy until I am not his girlfriend. It's hard, but I find myself fancying other people, wondering what it would be like to see someone else, to sleep with someone else, to be on my own for a while. Truth is I think I am bored of being with him. We seem to spend more time having niggly bickery fights than ever, I don't know if that's just a phase we're going through or if it's because we're drifting apart. Well I'm drifting away from him, he seems to love me even more than he did, which is why it's going to hurt him so much if I break it off. I'm not really miserable with him, but then I'm not really happy either. I'm supposed to be going for a weekend away with a few friends soon, and I don't want him to come. That says something to me.

Random Attachments

Fuck! I have got to stop fancying people just because they're nice to me, or friendly or whatever. The latest crush seems to be the guy from work. Yes he is very cute, but for fucks sake he's only 19. And like he'd ever be interested in me even if I wasn't attached and too old for him. There's also the Greek guy who works in the pizza place and comes in for stuff for the shop, I find myself grinning like a fucking loon every time he smiles at me, which is quite a lot cos he's a very smily person, and he has a pant wettingly sexy smile too.
But saying all that, I don't feel the same way about them as I do about my gorgeous girly. She is something special. Talking about her, I haven't seen her on line for a while, I hope she's ok...

and another thing...

Read the blog of an ex boyfriend yesterday, he said he wants to see me again, mentioned me by name. I like the guy, I do, think there will always be a bit of the old chemistry between us, but he's moved on, I've moved on, mustn't go there. As to the girly I mentioned in previous post, she I haven't spoken to for a few days. Can't face talking to her or anyone at the mo. have my away message on permanently so no one can IM me, otherwise I don't get a moments peace. Curiously no one has texted me to check I'm ok, one guy usually does, and the girly if she gets worried, and I wasn't happy last time I spoke to her. I would have texted me by now, but then, maybe they've just stopped giving a shit...

Him

Went to see him. He's been ill, and apparently that stops him from being able to bother to text me to let me know he can't make it somewhere. I'm tired and fed up of this shitty life I'm living, I want it to stop or change so much I can't recognise it anymore. Fuck being me anymore.

Harm

I wanted to harm myself today. I didn't, but the deisire was there, and I hated myself for it. Lately I hate myself quite a lot. I just don't see the point in liking myself. I'm not a likeable person.

Happy new year

Not that it is, so far all thats happened is that I've had to work, and he has let me down again.
was supposed to see him last night, but he had better things to do, then he was supposed to come to mine today but he hasn't answered my text or bothered to answer his phone when I called him. I guess thats it then, I can't be taken for granted anymore, I won't keep on being let down and playing second fiddle to his whims and fancies. Fuck him. after 2 and a half years I've had enough.